Welcome to Mess and Magic — a companion newsletter to my memoir Everything is Gray. That one is about the past. This one is about right now. The food, the chaos, the small joys, the stuff that keeps me grounded while I write the hard things. The lighter side. 🔮
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The Mess
Unscheduling Summer
Lazy summer days. OR as I have found out in motherhood, the actual most exhausting and jam packed season of the year. I grew up in the South Carolina. Seasons were more like suggestions. It was very possible that you would spend Christmas Day in shorts and a t-shirt. That has its perks. But it also means that we went easy in the summertime. After all, there would be plenty more hot or warm sunny days so if one got “wasted” inside wasn’t a big deal.
But 10+ years of living in New York City have taught me that seasons are precious. If you ask me what my favorite season is I will say, “The in-betweens.” I don’t have one favorite because my actual favorite thing is that the seasons actually change. You actually have to change your daily routines and rhythms in response. That shift is when I use the term magical the most often. It is magical to feel the shift of nature and even with our modern luxuries be forced to obey.
This winter was long and a bit brutal. We had epic snowstorms and snowbanks that stood on street corners for months at a time. I loved it. We had to slow down, stay inside. We did lots of arts and crafts and visited play spaces and turned our basement into a playroom with a climbing toys and small trampoline. We watched movies and drank hot tea and hot chocolate. We had to hibernate in our way to wait it out. We loved playing in the snow before it tuned to slush. We did our annual visit to Great Wolf Lodge in February (a clutch wintertime vacation) and took trips to South Carolina and Florida to visit grandparents.
Then, just when we were all going a little stir crazy it was Springtime and summer quickly followed. The minute the temperature hits 55 degrees and the sun even hints at warmth it’s as if you opened the doors for grade school recess, but for grownups. Everyone is outside even if outside means sitting on your stoop. The park by our house gets flooded with pick up basketball games, soccer, baseball, cricket, bocce ball, kite flying, playground joy (the water feature is on!), bike riding, picnics, walks/runs around the track, etc etc. My husband redid our back deck with comfy furniture and a gas fire pit. He added ferns and flowers and we got a little pool for our daughter to float and splash in. Lately she lounges on a float with a toy in one hand a small bucket in the other to drizzle water on her legs when they get to hot and honestly I have never seen a 3 year old able to embrace that level of relaxation. The city itself springs into action with cultural activities. We have been spending Wednesdays at Lincoln Center for storytime usually with a theater or dance theme. Then we wander through Central Park to one of the many playgrounds or the zoo. When it’s too hot we head into the Natural History Museum. If we stay in Brooklyn we visit the aquarium then the Coney Island boardwalk/beach. We head to grandparents homes in New Jersey for boat rides and pool swims.
It is SO much fun. However, there is also an undercurrent of urgency to squeeze every drop of enjoyment out of the season before the magical shift hits us again with apple picking and Halloween. It is exhausting.
Therefore, I decided to call this week Wellness Week. Instead of making sure that we hit every scheduled activity the city or local park has to offer I took it all off the calendar. Instead of focusing on taking my daughter to as many fun things as possible I am focusing on what my body needs. Selfish? Yup. Necessary for my long term health and so that I can keep planning and participating in these fun activities? Also yup.
The Magic
The magic of Wellness Week is a list of things I am focusing on for my own mental and physical health. I wanted a healthier way to experience summer.
Consistency matters more than perfection. I love routine. I make a plan and have a hard time not feeling like a failure don’t execute it exactly. Plan and routine were important in early recovery, necessary to my success. But now I am in a different phase and routines are still important but long term happiness and peace is more dependent on my ability to be flexible within those routines. Life is unpredictable but life with a toddler is both unpredictable and no longer centered around only my needs. Running outside is my favorite but I can’t control the weather or the days my daughter needs me to stay at home. I strength train and love lifting heavy but on days 2 and 3 of my period that is not what my body wants or needs. The workout may not be what I wrote down in my planner but the important part is still showing up in some way.
Breakfast & lunch meal prep. This is an example where sticking to your routine actually allows for you to remain healthy when you need to also be flexible. I don’t do it to stick to a “diet” or lose weight but to fuel my body with energy and to have easy food to grab when I don’t have time to think about it or I need to grab something on the go. Like most women in our society I have body dysmorphia and food choices are really hard. The shift from eating to shrink your body and eating so that it has everything it needs to work properly naturally results in feeling and looking my best.
I joined a Wellness Spa! This is pretty luxurious sounding but the basic membership is actually not bad considering the amenities. Sauna and cold plunging have so many benefits for muscle recovery and mental health. Bonus if you are experiencing perimenopause/menstrual symptoms. Equally important though, is that I leave my phone in my locker and have some guaranteed disconnect time.
Crafting: This includes my baking but I have also reconnected with my own love of crafting and making. Completely reignited from doing arts and crafts with my daughter and remembering the calm joy of creating and the feeling of pride looking at something that you made. I also wanted my daughter to see that crafting isn’t something you only do as a child. It is also a healthy way to find peace as an adult. Hobbies are one of the things I learned are lacking in our society. What do adults do beyond working during the day and drinking in the evenings?
Crafting, like crocheting or embroidery also help with my worst stimming habit (picking at my nails). Stimming (short for self-stimulatory behavior) involves repetitive movements, sounds, or actions used to regulate the nervous system. It is a natural coping mechanism for processing emotions and sensory information. Pretty much everyone does this, it could be tapping a foot or clicking a pen.
This is all for my own mental and physical well-being of course. But as always, the magic is in setting a healthy example for my daughter. I do not wish to appear as some mythical mom figure. Always perfect and happy and flexible and prepared and without need.
That perfect Donna Reed housewife image was an illusion that caused generations of damage.
So is the idea that adults are complete and done growing. It’s important to see that adults are also experiencing life for the first time. I want her to see me as a human who will always be there to support her while also supporting myself. I want her to find joy in the little things and in taking care of her body and her mind.
🎵 This issue’s song: The Only Moment We Were Alone — Explosions In The Sky.
I promise if you put on almost any Explosions In The Sky song it will uplift that moment into something spectacular.
The next essay in Everything is Gray comes out next Friday, July 31st. It is called Puppy and is about the reality of alcohol withdrawals and how we got through them together. Catch up with last week’s essay, Safe Enough to Break or start from the beginning with They Were Just Winging it Too.
This brought me back to summers with a little one 💕 My daughter’s 16 now and we’re trying to have a slow summer. More crafting and casual fun, less racing around to all of the activities. I think we’re teaching them how to pace themselves, and that has value too!